You are not the person you were yesterday. You are not that person, no matter that the people around you still believe that you are. No matter that you didn’t have a chance to apologize to them. No matter that they didn’t accept your apology. No matter that you still re-play what went wrong and what you “should” have done. Stop thinking about what you should have done. There is absolutely no way to go back in time. Absolutely none. Stop trying to keep the past alive because you think that you deserve to feel guilty. You deserve peace. Forgive yourself for what happened, because it was always going to happen that way. You want the lessons that you learned, but not the experience. But who would you be today without that experience? Realize that you have changed, that you are always changing. Allow yourself room to grow. Take the lessons that you’ve learned with you, and keep moving forward.
The idea of letting someone go because you care about them has been a foreign idea to me..something I could never have understood, until now. Sometimes the best thing to do for someone and for your own well being is to let that person go. By “letting someone go”, I mean ceasing contact with them for some time..maybe forever. Once they are not in your life, you will be able to feel the impact they had on you. You will be able to see the situation in a new light. This may take a long, long time. This is what I struggle with: waiting. When I know that I have to wait for something to happen, or not happen.. I get anxious, because life is unpredictable, and I always think to myself, “Why not now???”. But “now” is not always the answer. In this case, staying present in the now is vitally important so that you don’t feel as though you’re waiting. Something also important to realize is that you can’t force an epiphany about a situation..you can’t force growth, or understanding, or feeling a different way about something, because that old feeling will always be there until you acknowledge it fully. And when you acknowledge it fully, then will there be room for understanding and maturity. But it takes time. It takes time. All you can do is focus on right now, and accept what you can’t change. Accept it, and let go.
Writing blog entries is scary because I think a lot about how other people are going to perceive what I’m writing. And I could always copy what I’ve already written in my journal, but I always would rather focus on the present than on the past. Right now, I want to make it a point to post more entries. I want to free myself from the burden of perfection and write without really thinking about what I’m writing. Sometimes, that is the best writing. It’s the most therapeutic writing, in my opinion. If someone likes what he or she is reading, then that’s great. If no one likes what I’m writing, that’s okay too. This blog is for me to document my life and my ever-changing perspectives on things. If I’m the only one happy with what I’ve created on here, then I’m perfectly okay with that.